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What a unique year 2009 has been for me so far. So many different things have happened all at once, and all of them have changed me quite a bit. For starters, I just want all of you to know that my computer needs a hard drive replacement, and barely functions, if at all, hence the reason I haven't been around for months and months. Sadly, it might be a while yet before it's fixed, as I certainly can't afford it, and my parents can't either, so I'm stuck with little to no internet, Photoshop, and several other things I rely on my computer for. *kicks computer* It's such a worthless piece of junk. And while I'm thinking about it, I suppose I should warn you all now that I will be writing a lot in this journal. So many things have happened, and I just need to vent them somehow, so please pay me no mind if you have no interest in strange ramblings, because I really do have a lot to get off my chest, so to speak.

I do apologize to those of you whom I was chatting with via notes and comments before my computer pooped out, I'm afraid I've left you waiting for replies for quite a while, and depending on how my computer holds up here, it might be quite a while more before I can get around to sending my replies to you all. And the fact that dA has completely remodeled doesn't make it any easier, this new system is horribly slow, full of bugs, and all around annoying in my humble opinion. I love all of my friends here, but DeviantART itself is really starting to frustrate me to the point that I don't want to sign on as much anymore. :/ Too many people around here seem to be getting superiority complexes and deciding to preach to everyone, as well as pick things apart in order to 'define'. That's just my take on it though, and it's all the more reason why I shouldn't bother visiting the front page or reading any news articles anymore.
And here's a big surprise for you all: I've given up on doing the remaining birthday pictures and requests. I just don't have the will to draw that much anymore, and every time I do try, it turns out worse than anything I've drawn lately. And I really got to thinking about it too, because when I did, I realized that most of the requests were for people whom I never even associate with here anymore. And while that's probably my own fault because I'm never around anymore, I've still realized who my genuine friends on here are, and they're the ones I'll pour my heart into a picture for, not some people who ask for pics simply because they're on my friends list. Even so, if your picture was something you desperately wanted, send me a note and I'll see if I can get you a sketch or something, it might not be anything extravagant, but I feel I owe you something for promising a picture and not delivering. I just don't want too many, as I'm overwhelmed enough as it is. And that leads to another thing, I've been cleaning out my watch list and gallery, because I finally went through and realized I was only watching so many people simply because they had done the same to me. I never talk to them, I never comment, I just get my boxes full of ludicrous journals and deviations. Hopefully that'll spare my message center a little. *sigh* I've been ravaging my gallery as well. I swear, I can't stand to look at some of the material in there anymore, it makes me ill, and yet, I don't want to delete them because they're all gifts for other people that I've done, and I just don't feel comfortable taking someone's present away. Ah well, I've done what I can...
Art has been incredibly slow-coming for me lately as well. I've improved by leaps and bounds, but can't seem to do anything with it. I only get rare glimpses of my genuine drawing talent, so it's not like it's a block, I just can't draw most of the time anymore. I'm still trying my damndest though, since I do love drawing, and it's one of the only ways I have left to relax. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that new deviations are going to be sorely lacking, and very slow-coming, but I do hope for a hike in quality when I do get around to posting something. I've been experimenting and sketching a lot while I was away though, so I might post some things in scraps just to give you guys an idea of how far I've come.

And in my offline life, I've had quite possibly the most stressful and exhilarating months of my life. Ever since December 2008, things have been topsy-turvy for me; I've cried more than I ever have before, I've also laughed a lot too, I've had lots of fun, and lots of stress to balance it out, as well. All in all, though, I don't think I'd want to change any of it, not that I could, but I know I've learned and grown tremendously in a very short period of time, and to be honest, it's rather intimidating to me. I feel so numb, and yet, nothing seems to bother me anymore, so I don't know if that's good or bad. There was a time when everything in my life felt so stagnant and boring, and not it's as if everything is going far too fast for me. Perhaps I should elaborate so this will make more sense...
Three weeks ago today, I lost my best friend in this world. He was diagnosed with a critical case of diabetes about a month and a half ago, and I was told he would not survive the detox treatment, so there was nothing I could do but cherish what time I had left with him. I've thought of him every single day since his passing, and every time, I get the same bittersweet feeling in my heart. His job here on the physical earth was done, and it was time for him to be set free. Every night before I went to sleep I would thank him for all of the beautiful gifts he'd shared with my family and I during his time here, as well as ask him to forgive me for not being the best friend I could have been for him. He would simply look at me and smile, and I would tell him that he didn't have to hold on for us, that he could let go whenever he wanted, so he would not have to suffer as he was. Being who he was, he held on until we couldn't bear to watch anymore, and so, on February 27th, he was euthanized at the Best Friends Animal Hospital. Smokey was almost 9 years old, and I held onto him as he went to sleep, I felt his breathing slow, and his heart stop, all the while waiting for mine to shatter, but it didn't. It wasn't until I looked at his face that I felt something wither inside: he hadn't even had time to close his eyes, and the veterinarian had left him that way. It was the most painful thing I'd ever felt, because his beautiful bright eyes were dilated and dulled. No one should look into someone's eyes after their soul has left, it's just wrong. And so I reached out to him one last time and closed them as gently as I could. After we'd left, I went home a cried some more, and then I went outside to cherish the two beautiful dogs that are still with me, because that's what Smokey would have wanted. And so, from now on, everything I create will be of my beautiful memories of him. I loved you more than anything, farewell, Smokey.

Photos of Smokey

I'm not bothered so much by Smokey's passing anymore, I simply keep his memory and love with me everywhere, and I'm perfectly fine. In fact, he's inspired me to do more things to help keep myself fresh and alive. I've recently finished a chibi piece with bold, bright colors, and it reminded me that I need to draw more fun and happy things to keep my stress down and my spirits up. I've also hacked off all of my long hair. I didn't think I'd like, or even get used to it, but I found myself loving it even before the hair stylist had finished cutting it. I've lost nearly a foot of hair, and it feels damn good. I've also become addicted to Gackt lately (how could I have gone so long without this music?), so his music is a big inspiration to me nowadays, as well. So, apart from getting horribly ill for the first time in years, having home schooling complications, Raven being nasty to BB in Titans #11 (DX), and a myriad of other nasty things, I'm doing incredibly well, if I may say so. I'm still trying to shake this lingering numb feeling, but I know I'll be okay in the long run. :]

There are still dozens of little thing I could ramble about, but I think I've done more than enough of that here today. I must say that it feels good to get all of that out though. Anyway, drop me a line if you want to chat, I'll try my hardest to get my computer to last long enough to reply. XD; I hope everyone is well, I send my love and best wishes out to all of you.


People who I love and adore: